i really know how it feels to be stressed out. stressed out.

biggest fears (apparently) come true. not the medium ones nor the cliches (the dark, death, the bogeyman). but the obscure, highly personalized fears that subconsciously eat at your soul and you pray you're never faced with them. and then you are.
i realized what my worst fear was as soon as i realized what my most prevalent thought was: to have healthy, creative, beautiful babies one day. and then i realized that not being able to physically have children of my own to raise would be my worst fear. thinking about not being able to experience what i'm on this planet to do (procreate, of course)just makes me queasy. and i always thought that if my worst fear were to come true, that if there were complications with my hardware, that i wouldn't find out about it until i was truly ready to have kids which makes the situation all that much worse because you discover you are incapable at the exact moment you simply want your body to be capable. so now i deal with the uncertainty of my own capabilities.

my insides hurt.

was a shite day. can't describe anything in any degree of detail. towards the end of this tragic tale of a day came my second wind. putting the girls to bed tonight was difficult. irene and i actually verbally brawled. she cited the ever popular "you're not my mommy" excuse on why she shouldn't have to turn out the light because i didn't own the house, her mother was the owner. so i began to sing. i didn't care what she was babbling about. it was musical time - i was bringing out all the stops. began with some mccartney and before long i was remembering grandma's lullabies and obscure camp alleghany numbers. and they ate it up (i even got a request- "edelweiss"- ireny's fave (i'm pumpin that jam in my stereo right now, that julie andrews, christopher plummer, great musical couple.)) for a brief thirty minutes i was free of negative thoughts (and obgyn's).